It’s PAX East this week, which means more than 70,000 (70,000!?!?) people are rolling into Bean Town to check out the latest games, meet up with friends and grab a few drinks at the legendary bars and pubs spread throughout our historic city.
There’s a lot going on in Boston, no matter what those hard news reporters at The Onion say… probably more than you think. And with a crap-ton of people coming in from the OTHER coast this week, I thought that as a native and current Masshole, I’d provide some helpful tips so you can have a good time without getting, you know, punched in the throat by Fitzy.
If you’re looking for more thoughtful tips on how to survive the ACTUAL SHOW, our friends at EVOLVE PR have got you covered RIGHT HERE with helpful reminders of sanitizers and business cards. Those tips are critical, but Ohle is from Canada, so our tips will not be like those…
So… welcome to Boston, kids. Let’s grab some beers!
Things That Might Get You Punched In the Throat By a Guy Named Fitzy, Sully, Timmy, Jimmy, Markie…
- Asking where the nearest Starbucks is: It’s called Dunkin Donuts, Dunkin or Dunkaah, but you better be from here if you use the latter (see note below). Starbucks coffee is not only awful, it’s effing awful. I’m pretty sure we have some Starbucks around here somewhere… if you really need the taste of their coffee, I’ll wash some dishes at a diner and give you the leftover dishwater in a cup.
- Ordering Your Insane West Coast Crap in a BAR. I’m talking a BAR here. Bars in Boston are meant for DRINKING and FIGHTING, not posing or being seen or discovering new mango-infused IPAs or Acai Berry-Tinis. Your hotel lobby bar will be happy to pour you something lighter. Stay there.
- Putting on a Boston accent: Yours sucks. So does every joker in Hollywood. I can’t even stand to listen to Affleck harden his accent up for his Southie roles. And if you say “PAAAHK THE CAAH IN HAAAHVAAAHD YAAAHD” Congratulations!! You’ve just given everyone in this city an open invitation to split your skull!
- Ben Affleck, Matt Damon and Markie Mark are not official ambassadors for Mass, nor are any of them King Red Sox Fan. Just a friendly note.
- “Massholes” is a term for us to use, not you. That goes for “wicked” too.
Sports. It’s Kind of a Big Deal Here, Kid.
- If you’re from LA or SF, don’t pretend like you live in an “Awesome Sports Town.” The only cities who have the right to talk to Title Town Residents about being fans are the following: New York, Chicago and Philly. But EFF PHILLY, those guys are pricks. “East Coast Bias” exists because nothing else matters.
WARNING: Incoming wheelchair comments from Lakers fans.
- That’s right, Charlie, I said TITLE TOWN. Winning a couple Super Bowls when there were 4 teams in the league 100 years ago doesn’t qualify anyone as Title Town. Winning a championship in every major sport within a 10-year span does. Suck it, Wisconsin. And NY.
- If all you know about Boston is Bill Buckner, just shut your face.
- Ya, they repealed the Tuck Rule, that doesn’t mean that at the time of the call it wasn’t correct. Even if it wasn’t correct… GFY Oakland. They got what they deserved for ’76. SO SORRY to cut short the Rich Gannon era, kids. That was really going somewhere.
HAHAHAHA. Oakland. Boo Hoo. Thanks for the Dynasty, Tuck Rule!
- This is BASKETBALL JESUS. He’s winning the 3 pt contest on the final ball and walking away. We respect MJ. And Magic. … You’re not waiting for me to mention your favorite player are you?
- This is TFB. Your favorite QB isn’t as good.
This is New England. It’s Cold as Hell. Except When It’s Sweltering HOT.
- Don’t tell us it’s SO COLD. Ya. We know it’s cold. Only we’re allowed to complain about this. You’ll be back home to your 70 degrees in three days… under a blanket. If you’re cold… get yourself a Dunkaah!
- Wear your hats and gloves and a heavy coat. While you might think it’s not stylish to be layered up, you’re wrong. What is REALLY not stylish is you freezing and whining about needing to be inside all night. Put on a coat because you’re going to walk.
- Boston is similar to New York in this way: If someone wants to tell you to “F Off” they will say “F Off” while on the West Coast they would say “Have a nice day” and then be angry the rest of the day.
- Simple: If you want a Canoli go to the North End. If you want a good bar, go somewhere other than Faneuil Hall. And if you want the same thing you can get anywhere without having to think about it, go to Faneuil Hall.
If you see me at a bar, send me a drink. If you get in a pinch and can’t decide… just go with a 7&7 to be safe.